1461 days

If you had asked me last year what I thought I'd be doing on our fourth anniversary, here is a list of what I would not have said:

• doing a load of dirty diaper laundry
• typing with one hand because I'm holding the baby with the other
• searching craigslist for items like a nursing pillow
• brushing my son's head to loosen those stubborn cradle cap flakes
• washing the spitup out of my hair
  

Boy, life sure has changed in the last year. In my post last year about our anniversary, I mentioned that having a dog trumps having a kid. Well, I still think there are several advantages to having a dog. For one thing, the dog is much easier to train. She knows way more tricks than the Spud does. For another, the dog will always listen to us. I dread the day when the kid turns against me. Oh, and I never had to teach the dog how to eat - she's always been good at that!

Of course, I'm thrilled to be a mom and to have our little guy in our lives. God has really blessed us with a great kid. He looks particularly sweet when he's sleeping and not yelling in my ear! I think he's the best baby ever. If you asked me what I thought of him at 4am, maybe my response would be different. It's pretty hard to be coherent when he's screaming in the middle of the night and all I'm trying to do is change his diaper. Sigh. The nice thing is that the hubs will always take over if I need him to, and sometimes he's just got that magic "fall asleep" touch.

Happy anniversary, honey. Thanks for taking this crazy ride with me.

20 years

Dear Spud (your stomach isn't the size of a chickpea any longer, so I'm going with Spud),

You might be wondering why the title of this post is "20 years" and not "almost 2 months", which is your age. Well, that's because I'm going to tell you about your grandfather in this post. As it happens, today marks 20 years since your grandpa (gohng-gohng) passed away. Mommy was only 10 years old at the time, so you'll have to forgive me if my memories are a little jumbled and vague. Maybe one day when you are bigger, your grandma (poh-poh) will be able to tell you more.

Mommy was very sad yesterday upon realizing that it was Father's Day, because it would have been so nice to celebrate with your gohng-gohng. Alas, God called him home much earlier than any of us wanted. I think he would have been proud to have a grandson, and I imagine that he would have delighted in getting to know you.

Grandpa was a man devoted to God and to his family. He was a lot like your own dad, in fact - very social with many friends, enjoyed cooking, very family oriented. Mommy still remembers when he would make treats like green onion pancakes. (Daddy hates these - but mommy will teach you to love them!) Grandpa was the sort of guy who knew someone no matter where he went, and could make conversation with just about anyone. He served as an elder at church for many years, even when mommy and kow-fu (?) were young, and he taught Sunday School to people who later taught mommy in Sunday school.

Mommy hears you fussing right now so I'll keep this short. I wish you had had the opportunity to meet your gohng-gohng. Maybe you already did in heaven? I'm not really sure how that all works, but one day our God will make it all clear. In the meantime, I praise the Lord for how He has blessed our family in these 20 years, and I'm looking forward to telling you more about your grandpa soon.

8 days

Dear baby,

Hooray! You're finally here!!!

I don't want to post your real name on this blog, so I have been trying to think of a nickname for you. For now I think we'll go with Chickpea. That is what they said was the size of your stomach when you were born, so it seems like a good name for you.

Chickpea, Mommy went through a lot to get you out. First of all, you were late. Late, late, late. Mommy was given oxytocin to induce labour, but it didn't work as quickly as expected... then (I'm really shortening up the story here) Mommy and Daddy found out that you were "ROP" - which is to say, you were totally not positioned correctly. So the doctors had to open me up and haul you out by hand. Let me just say that you are lucky you will never have to go through labour as the pain is almost indescribable. And thanks to your positioning and the resultant c-section, I got to experience both the pain of a major surgery and the pain of labour.

Of course, all that fades away because you are a fantastic baby, and I couldn't ever have asked for a better kid. You are a good sleeper, you don't cry a lot, and now that we have worked through some of your feeding issues, you're gaining weight at a champion rate. I must tell you that the feeding issues have been extremely difficult for me. I felt as though my body was failing me, because I couldn't feed you properly. All the hormones are really not helping either, as I have been so emotional lately. I feel guilt over not being able to feed you the way I wanted to, I feel guilt over not being able to spend as much time with the dog as I wanted, I feel easily irritated at the smallest things ... ugh! Motherhood is a difficult thing. I'm so grateful that you are a happy, calm baby. Chickpea, you are the joy of every day now, and we are incredibly thrilled that you are finally here with us. Welcome to the world, little one. Mommy loves you more than you'll ever know.

Here you are having a little bit of tummy time. PS: sorry for all the yellow and green clothing. From here on out, it's boy stuff for you!


Love, Mommy

I'm becoming more and more granola

First it was the purchase of two hybrid vehicles. Then, we bought a substantial amount of organic beef, one quarter cow to be exact. Then I decided we'd be using cloth diapers for the baby. And now, we've decided to buy a share in a CSA farm operation for the 2009 summer season. Is there no end to my earth-friendliness. I am just kidding, of course, I am not completely devoted to environmental issues, but one small step at a time I guess.

I'm sure you can read about a CSA on your own, but I'll explain my understanding of it. I first heard of this on a food blog that I used to read all the time - but have unfortunately forgotten the name of now. Essentially, community supported agriculture is a system where a farm sells shares of its (usually summer/early fall) harvest to a group of folks for a certain price early in the year. The farm benefits by having the cash it needs up front for the growing season, and the shareholders get a weekly box of whatever the crop is for that week, depending on what the farm grows. The other benefits.... organic veggies, locally grown, etc.

So that's what we'll be doing! The farm we are hoping to join is actually not in farmland per se, but is made up of a collection of donated lands including backyards, etc. I'm pretty excited. I think each week will be a little different and hopefully we won't end up with too many brussel sprouts (though the hubby might not mind.) It should be an interesting adventure in what sort of food we can make at home. And by "we", I mean the hubby! Although I did manage to make dinner once this week. I made a beef tortellini soup. Don't worry, I used a recipe, so no one got sick. :) Maybe when I'm on mat leave I'll actually cook more often. Stranger things have happened!

40 weeks

Dear baby,

Yesterday was your due date (according to some tricky doctor math.) Clearly, you didn't receive the message, because you're still not out. But I don't mind. I figured you would be late. After all, I am hardly ever on time for anything, and your grandma says I was late for my birth too. Your other grandma thinks that your father was also late. So it didn't bode well for you to arrive early in any event. Oh well. I only finished work last week, so it has been nice to have a few work-free days. Weirdly, I've actually felt kinda bored the last two days. Guess I'm just used to a routine.

So anyway. What's new. The doctor checked me out this week and last week to see what kind of progress you were making, and the official word is NOT MUCH. I'm progressing just fine, but you haven't decided to drop down yet. We are all ready for you to arrive - I finally finished washing all the clothes you own, well, except for the stuff that won't fit you for several months. Boy, are your socks tiny. And the hats too! Those are for your bald head - I figured you might take after me in that regard too. We've even had to sell our Canucks playoff tickets in anticipation of your birth. Baby, when you're older you'll realize what a sacrifice we've made :) Daddy says if the Canucks make it to the Stanley Cup finals he'll take you to a game. We do need to get a new light fixture for your room, because we broke the other one when assembling the crib. Oops! And when we know if you are a girl or boy, we might get you some clothing that isn't gender-neutral. A baby can only wear so much yellow and green.

Recently the dog has been wanting to sit closer to me (that is, when it isn't sunny enough for her to sunbathe outside) so we have allowed her to sit on the couch. She usually doesn't sit for long on the couch though, possibly it's too soft or slippery. But look at her today:



She looks comfortable, doesn't she? :)

See you soon, little one!

Calm before the storm - 38 weeks

Dear baby,

We've hit the 38 week mark, which means you are full-term and ready to come out anytime... right? Right? One way or another you will be here in less than a month, because Mommy is only allowed to go 10 days past her due date. I think there are a number of people who are going to lose the baby pool on this basis alone.

Life has been busy lately, but in a good way. I am hitting the point where it is truly uncomfortable to sleep, and perhaps the dog senses this, because she wakes up several times a night herself sometimes. The nice thing is that she has now taken to nudging the blanket to wake me up for food, rather than just scratching at the door. Of course, sometimes she thinks it's breakfast time when it's really 5 AM... but actually, I think she knows what time it really is and just wants to see if maybe I might fall for her little trick. I've been trying to get her to nudge your daddy instead for food, knowing that in a few short weeks, I'll be way too exhausted and/or busy to get her food at a specific time. She's a very good girl. Be nice to her and she'll love you forever... I hope you'll love her too.

People keep asking me if anything is happening or if I'm ready. As for what is happening, you still seem to move a lot, which is reassuring, but also worrying, because maybe you're not resting enough for the tough labour ahead of us! And am I ready? Well. I am ready for you to be out instead of in, but I do not think one can ever be ready for a baby, a life to care for, a person to be responsible for. These days I spend a lot of time reflecting on my life and the potential changes ahead. Hopefully you won't mind adapting to my lifestyle. :)

Please come soon!

Should everyone own a dog?

Just now I watched a bit of Jon and Kate plus 8 - only the last 10 minutes or so of the new episode wherein the family gets a pair of puppies. I couldn't actually tell what kind of puppies they got and no doubt I could google it, but whatever, that's not the point anyway. The part of the show I saw was where they brought the dogs home and put them in their basement, and then a bunch of discussion about having two puppies. At various times, the puppies are seen peeing on the carpet or tile. At one point, Kate says "I've potty trained 8 kids, I didn't want to potty train the ones in fur too. You let the dogs outside and they play, then they come in and pee on the carpet." Another time, she says that some of the little kids don't like the puppies because the puppies bite.

I've really stopped watching this show for the most part because I'm starting to find it kind of upsetting. I think it's great that they've chosen this lifestyle to earn their income and why shouldn't they take advantage, I suppose. When the show brings in enough revenue to support the purchase of a mansion, why not go ahead and buy it. I wouldn't deny that they need space.

But do they really need dogs, specifically puppies? I mean really, house training a puppy is a difficult process even if you don't have kids. I think it's ridiculous that Kate would express surprise that the puppies would be "let outside" and not pee. They don't instinctively know to pee outside, you have to teach them that it's the right thing to do. Also, you can't let puppies bite and nip, you have to teach them it's not okay to do that. And finally, if you are a clean freak, don't get a puppy. They *will* have accidents and you *will* have to clean it up.

We aren't perfect dog owners or anything, but I feel like I did a substantial amount of research prior to getting Kodi. I knew we wanted to take her to obedience school and I knew that puppyhood would be a tough go at the beginning. Of course, her breed does come with a great disposition and a general attitude of wanting to listen and behave well... but we, particularly the hubby, spent a lot of time in training with her. People often tell us that she's so well behaved, and they can't believe she'll listen so well. She isn't perfect but she is well trained, if I may say so myself. I find it so irritating when people obviously aren't interested in training their dogs, or who think that having a puppy is either a great novelty (the fun of which wears off quickly) or a pain in the rear (in which case, why did you get one!?)

To be honest, we kind of wanted Kodi to be a little bit older before we had a baby... I think she'll handle it well but at the same time she is still a puppy and is still full of energy. It'll take work to train her to respect the baby as a pack leader :) One day I'd love to have a second dog - maybe in a few years!

I'm hoping that in the first half of the episode, Jon and Kate talked about things like obedience training, spending lots of time with the puppies in training, teaching the kids how to take care of puppies and not to provoke them, etc. But I sort of doubt it. Too bad. The show is watched by so many people that the family could have been a great influence on future dog owners. Instead, we're left with more of the Kate-screeching over pee and having to clean it up. Unfortunate.

32 weeks

Dear little one,

The doctors aren't agreed on your exact due date, but apparently I'm somewhere around 32 weeks, and happily, you're not measuring ahead or behind. I like normal, so good job. I met the OB today and she said your head is down and your legs are on my left side. That explains a lot of the odd kicking recently.

I'm finding it difficult to believe that you're really not that far from your arrival into this world. There's no way I'll ever be fully ready for your presence in my life, but here's a little of what we've done so far:

- set up your room - mostly. The crib hasn't arrived, but when it does, you'll have a place to sleep. You already have two dressers and a super cool bookcase. Your daddy didn't like the bookcase as much as me, but I thought it was fantastic; plus, I love books.

- set up your diaper changing area. We're planning to use cloth diapers so I have purchased a ridiculous amount of diapers for you... I have a stash of newborn fitted diapers and covers, and when you outgrow those, I've got a second stash of one-size pocket diapers that will hopefully take you to potty training time. I can guarantee that people reading this either will care deeply about diapers, or will think I'm crazy. I've spent a lot so far on diapers, but I think it's still less than I would have spent on disposables. Please don't be allergic to cloth diapers. :)

- met the OB/GYN.... who might not necessarily be the one who delivers you, but since the family doctor doesn't deliver.... anyway. I'm trying not to fret about this process.

- attended pre-natal class. We went with the class-in-a-day option rather than the six weekly session option. I think that was a wise choice; I doubt that in the pain of labour I'll really remember much anyway.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm exhausted.

Can't wait to meet you!

Off topic: I watched a bit of American Idol tonight. Why do I put myself through this terrible show. Every year I tell myself I won't watch any more and yet every year I keep tuning back in. Paula Abdul is still beyond crazy and incoherent, although she appears to be trying to tone down the insanity a smidge. The finalists are BAD, at least most of them are. Please don't sing Mariah or Whitney, people.

I'm still faithful to Heroes, 24, and new on the list, The Office. Don't get me hooked on any more shows though!

30-31 weeks

Dear Kodi,

Mommy is writing you this letter because as we all know, it isn't all about the baby right? Besides, what baby? As far as you know life is peachy with just the three of us, who needs a baby to take attention away from you!

I want to tell you that I love you so, so much. I sometimes find myself tearing up for no real reason because I love you and worry about you constantly. You recently went through a third bout of giardia and we were sad to see you sick. In your short life you've also had kennel cough, an oral papilloma, and a cyst on your foot. Poor doggie. Today I had plans to leave you at home for most of the day to see how you could handle it. I changed my mind at the last minute though because as Daddy and I always say, we didn't get a dog so that we could leave it at home. You have no idea how good you have it, Kodes. We didn't crate train you, so you have no idea what it's like to spend hours a day inside a little box, waiting for your owners. On days when we know we can't have you with us we send you to doggy daycare where you wrestle with other dogs for hours on end.

I know that your life will change a bit when the baby arrives and I wish with all my heart that I could promise you it wouldn't change... but I would be wrong. All our lives will adjust somewhat. I'll have to get used to less sleep, and you'll have to get used to the sounds of crying. I hope that you and the baby will become friends and that you'll learn to love him/her as much as you love us. If it's any comfort, when I go back to work I'll still be able to take you with me and I won't be able to take the baby.

Kodi, thank you for being such a great dog. I only have to show you your leash now for you to get super excited. Here's a picture of you that I like, because it looks like you're talking. "Say, mommy, is there any food? No? how about now? now? now??"

Almost 27 weeks

Dear baby,

We are entering the third trimester and my, hasn't that gone quickly. Not so much for you, maybe, but for me, it's been quite smooth sailing.

Here are some updates on your progress. You are rather kicky these days, and last night it felt as though you were playing the drums on my stomach. Lovely! Perhaps you'll take after your mommy and be musical. Or maybe you'll take after your daddy and be athletic. Ideally, a combination of both. Hopefully, not a lack of either characteristic. Also, you handled yourself quite well after I took a spill the other day. Good job! We were pretty relieved to hear your heartbeat and a nice kick on the doppler.

Apparently at this stage you weigh just over 2 pounds. Coincidentally, I am now about 2 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I am happy not to have gained more, but I am not really thrilled about gaining weight in general. What can I say, I have body image issues. I hope you won't ever have that problem.

You haven't caused me to have any odd food cravings and I think generally, I have been eating fairly well. Unfortunately, I failed my glucose screening test, and I will have to attend a much longer test this week to determine whether or not I might have gestational diabetes. GD isn't really related to diet, more to family history and such, though of course if I had it, I'd have to modify my diet. Diabetes runs in your dad's family, not so much in mine, so if I have it, guess who I'll be blaming? That's right. YOU. But let us hope it does not get to that point. I'm not good with needles and such. Your father has already made changes to our meals, introducing more veggies and cutting out as much starch as he can get away with before I complain. He's a good guy. You'll like him a lot.

I think you're a boy, and your dad thinks you're a girl. I asked the dog what she thought but she just turned away when she realized I didn't have any food for her. Well, only a few more months until we find out who's right.

Since my last post, we've done a lot more to prepare for your arrival. We bought a high chair, not because you'll need one right away, but because it was a floor model on clearance. I love me a good sale. This is the high chair we bought. I like the animals on it, but it's too bad you won't get to look at them since you'll be facing the other way. We also bought a new glider/ottoman combo, again a floor model on clearance. Oh, and we got you a swing/infant rocker. We'll see if you are one of those kids who hates swings or not.

See you in 13 weeks!

This makes me mad!

From my city's website regarding snow removal:

City crews maintain 310 kms of designated routes—all major thoroughfares and all bus routes—with up to 12 trucks, salting, sanding and plowing during snow storms, as well as clearing sidewalks in front of civic facilities and bus stops. ...

The City’s response actually starts before the snow begins to fall. Staff receive daily weather reports for the next 48 hour period. If snow is forecast, crews start working up to 12 hours ahead laying down salt on the roads to prevent ice build up. As salt becomes ineffective on its own with temperatures below –6 C, sand is added to the mix during colder periods.

(City's) side streets are not part of the 310 km of designated snowclearing and salting routes; to include them would require far greater resources than the City currently has, and (City's) typography, weather patterns and street design make that a less effective use of those resources. Typically, snow storms such as today’s occur about 12 times per season.

You have got to be kidding me. First of all, if you had driven around the major roads you would realize that they have BARELY been plowed. Four-lane roads have become two-and-a-half lane roads. The major roads we live near have definitely not been plowed. And also, 310 km? I am doubtful. And re: side streets - this is a city that was developed such that almost everyone lives on a side street. The subdivisions have winding, curving roads that isolate each subdivision from the main road. This isn't a city where a grid was laid down to determine the streets. Instead it appears one grid was laid down for the big roads, then they allowed a child to draw curlicues inside the grid to determine where the small roads would go. In other words, unless you live on a major road, you can't even get to and from your house in a big snowfall, because the city doesn't have enough resources, and doesn't consider the side roads important.

The last sentence kills me. Snowstorms like this 12 times a season and they are STILL unprepared. No fricking way. This city spends hundreds of thousands of dollars on useless stuff (millions on the Oval!) like beautifying the medians with flowers. And they must have to pay their city staff overtime to do it, since those folks work at night to plant. Roads are paved and repaved every few years regardless of whether we need it. City Hall is always nicely maintained. At Christmas, thousands of lights are strung up. I frankly think that these efforts are lovely and all, but spending a little more on snowplowing WOULD BE FAR MORE APPRECIATED. They could get a few Bobcats and drive them around some side roads - even if some of the larger side roads were plowed, that would give us all a headstart.

But no. Enjoy your flowers, people, that is, if the snow ever melts in time to plant new ones. Because of course! The City can only plant annuals, not perennials.

GRRRR.

Excitement in moderation

I happen to belong to a forum that has two main sections: weddings and babies. After our wedding, I stopped visiting the forum for a long time, since I really didn't need to look at other people's grand wedding plans for inspiration or anything. But since finding out about the baby (I need a catchy name for this. Babywatch 09? Wee One Countdown?) I've gone back to the forum to have a look at all the baby talk. And I have discovered that I am way behind. The women on this forum are nothing if not incredibly organized and prepared for their babies. Many of them have been wanting babies for ages so I suppose their eager anticipation is understandable. You should see the nursery pictures. People deck out their babies' rooms like nothing I've ever seen. Plush crib bedding sets at over $150 (this is just the baby bedding! not the mattress or crib!) Rocker/glider chairs and ottomans that cost around $400. Matching crib and furniture sets. Neatly organized shelves and baby names plastered across the walls in big wooden letters.

There's no real point to comparing myself to others, I know, but I can't really help it. When I look at what others are doing, I feel like an amateur at this baby thing. Let's talk about the "nursery", or as I will call it, the baby's room. We painted the baby's room back in the summer when we first moved, so I have no desire to paint it again. It's just a neutral brown/beige colour. We don't know if we are having a boy or a girl so there is no point painting blue or pink stripes into the room decor. We haven't purchased a crib yet although there is one I'm eyeing which will convert into a toddler bed and one day, a double bed. But paying hundreds for matching dressers or change tables just seems wasteful. And crib bedding sets? I want the baby to be comfortable, but does s/he really need some sort of fancy "set" when all s/he is going to do is sleep and/or pee on it?

Here's what we have done so far to prepare for the baby's arrival:

• purchased a stroller. Why so early? I don't know. I like the idea of strolling around the neighbourhood with the baby and the dog. We got a good price on a fully decked out stroller, but one day I'd like to get one with air-filled tires so we can take it to the dog park.
• purchased a glider chair on Craigslist. I scored a good deal and got it for $20. Unfortunately it doesn't have an ottoman. I'll have to keep looking.
• purchased cloth diapers. Do not freak out. I am trying to be environmentally friendly but also realistic in that I doubt I can exclusively cloth diaper this baby. Also, do not freak out but I bought used diapers. They're extremely clean though.
• debated car seats. I do not plan to buy a used car seat in case it's been in an accident or something, and given my line of work, you can see how nervous I am about stuff like that.
• Ummm... is that all? Pretty much.
  

Oh my.

**January 2009 update: we bought a car seat! And C, I rejected your comment b/c I try not to publish our real names too often on this blog :) Sorry!**

Merry Christmas!

I quite enjoy Christmas, but I could do without all of the snow right now. Snow is such a pain. And I haven't even shovelled a tiny bit this year!

The hubs and I aren't getting each other anything for Christmas. We bought some small items for family but that is mostly just out of appreciation for all that our families do for us. Along the lines of what Jr. said in her recent post, I feel like I've moved past the point where Christmas is about giving and receiving (Joey! haha) gifts... although I still firmly believe that we can always do more to give to those who are in need. But as for myself, our house is full of things, things, and more things. We don't really need any more things.

Last night, we went to the Canucks game and I opened up one of those pull-tab games they give you at the door. We had two, one of them was a loser, but the other one said "Congratulations! You have won a $50 gift card to the Canucks Team Store!" I was thrilled because I can't even remember the last time I won something. I think it might have been in elementary school, when I won a ticket to some children's festival for my excellent book report. We decided that rather than me getting a new hoodie or him getting some new item, we would get something for the baby and for the dog. We also had a 40% off coupon (it's "Boxing Week" at the Canucks Team Store). So Kodi's getting a new Canucks shirt, and the baby has a shiny tracksuit to wear when s/he is somewhere between 6-9 months. Too bad the tracksuit isn't velour :) No doubt the dog will really love wearing a shirt. I am not really in favour of dogs wearing clothing, but if it's just at home and for a few pictures, I guess it's okay. Kodi hates her Santa hat though. Probably because she knows Santa isn't real.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Week 23

Dear baby,

Unfortunately, your parents have (still) not taken a series of pictures of your mommy's tummy as many people would to document this pregnancy. In fact, we haven't taken a single one yet. Don't be appalled. We eagerly await your arrival, but somehow we can't get our act together long enough to bring out the camera. It'll happen, I promise.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of change, or so it feels. I am still under my pre-pregnancy weight, thanks to having no appetite at all in the first four months. I am, however, moving into the world of maternity clothing. If you are a girl, you may one day venture into this world yourself. I hope for your sake that stuff is cheaper when you're at that stage. I cannot bring myself to buy much in the way of maternity clothes when I know I'm only going to have a few more months of wearing this stuff. One store I visited had jeans for $40 - and that was the sale price. Little one, I rarely spend $40 on non-maternity jeans. Once I bought jeans for $8. Yes, I have no fashion sense. No, I am not ashamed of it. Anyway. I'm doing my best with my non-mat pants. So what if I can't do up the top button? They're still good!

I've begun to feel you move as well. As you are my first baby, I had no idea what to expect. Everyone describes the first movements as bubbles, or flutters, or something like that. In the last couple of weeks, I've started to feel movements... but I would say they aren't kicks - more like... rolling around. I'm fine with not being kicked, by the way.

In general I am feeling great, all things considered. I wake up feeling like my stomach is unbearably stretched, and I am always tired (though that might be unrelated to the pregnancy). My appetite is better now. It's almost Christmas, and that is a delight all on its own. Too bad you aren't here to see our lovely Christmas tree - we'll have to get one just as nice next year.

The dog says hi too. She's been loving the recent snowfall. Her happiest day would be if she could chase pinecones all day long in the snow, then come home to a nice meal and a warm blanket. And a treat or two. I look forward to teaching you how to be gentle with her. I won't lie - I think your father would protect the dog from you more than you from the dog. So be nice to Kodi! Heh.

Halfway point

Dear baby,

I made it to the halfway mark of my pregnancy without even realizing I was pregnant... so if you ever look up old blog posts and wonder why I didn't blog about my pregnancy earlier, that is why. I hope you don't think your mother is incompetent. I had an inkling I might be pregnant, but so many other reasons also existed for my fatigue, stress, loss of appetite, um, anyway.

The good news is, you're almost here! In less than five months we'll get to see your face. Your real face, not your scary ultrasound face. Your daddy and I are super excited. Your dog, Kodi, would be excited if she had any idea what was going on. Trust me, she's just itching for a new face to lick. She has a cough right now, but that didn't stop her from trying to eat one of the Christmas tree ornaments. Oh well. Hopefully by the time she meets you, she'll be less prone to eating things she shouldn't.

According to a pregnancy calendar site I visit sometimes, you are as big as a banana, carrot, or butternut squash. I find that last one hard to believe. Have you seen a butternut squash? Those things are gigantic. This pregnancy calendar lists a wide variety of issues that can occur to your mommy during pregnancy. None of those things have yet happened, but we've got a long way to go, so I'll keep you posted. It also says that by now I should be feeling your kicks easily, possibly even outside the belly. Hmm. Once again, I will keep you posted. The ultrasound tech said you were quite active, but darned if I could tell.

Baby, we are grateful to God that you're on your way. Can't wait to meet you!

Good reads

We just got back from another fabulous vacation to Mexico where once again, my main activity was lounging on the beach with a good book and a lot of sunblock. On this trip I read almost 3 books, I haven't quite finished the last book. I love reading, but in regular life I find it hard to have the time to read a book and absorb the words I am reading. So that is what vacations are for!

On this trip, I borrowed the novel "Beijing Coma" by Ma Jian from the library. I am always drawn to Chinese writers and when I read the jacket, I immediately wanted to read the entire book. Beijing Coma's protagonist is Dai Wei, a student who was shot in the Tianamen Square protests and who subsequently fell into a coma. While in the coma, he can hear and smell what is going around him, although he can't see, move, or respond in any way, although his body is surprisingly "alert". The book revolves around his memories of the weeks leading up to the massacre and alternates between those memories and what is happening presently around him.

I had never read a book about what happened in the weeks leading up to June 4, 1989, so this was quite an eye opener (although it is fiction, the author bases his characters on real people and real stories.) In 1989, I was only 10, and my dad was quite ill, so I didn't understand what was going on China, except that it was bad. I have read that unfortunately, since China has worked so hard to propagate its own version of what happened (nothing! nothing happened!), young people in China today are barely aware of the Tiananmen Square protests and massacre. The iconic image of the "Tank Man" is not even recognized among Beijing University students. In the new world of China embracing newfound wealth, maybe this isn't surprising, just saddening. It makes me wonder whether we in the western world even realize the extent of what happened, and whether we turn a blind eye to how China censors the truth. Maybe we turn a blind eye too often, preferring the glamourized images of China while citizens lose their homes in favour of big development, choosing to buy cheaply made, potentially dangerous items made in China to save ourselves money.

Beijing Coma struck me because it presented the possibility, many possibilities, you might say, that things could have turned out differently in June 1989. If only this happened, if only that person made this decision ... thousands more would be alive today. An entire nation could have risen up against an oppressive regime. And at the same time, the book illustrated how even great intentions can go horribly out of control. I don't really know how to express how I felt about the book, but maybe you can all have a read for yourselves.

Dear Kodi

Guess what, happy little dog! It's your first birthday today! Yay!

You've now been with us for about 9.5 months and what a delight it's been to have you in our lives. You and I have been through hundreds of walks, lots of doggy park time, and tons of cuddles at home. Plus, you've learned a multitude of tricks. In the last few months you have started to learn the names of your toys, so that if I ask you to go and find your monkey, you no longer stare at me like "What the heck is a monkey? Is it food?" You have also learned to walk SLIGHTLY better than you did before obedience class. The first half of our walk always involves me getting a little mad, which I know I shouldn't do. I'm sorry. It's just that you weigh almost 65 lbs and it's really difficult to hold you back when you lunge forward.

You've also become better at balancing toys and treats on your head. I have some good pictures of you doing this that I will upload later on. You do, however, drool like a faucet turned on when a treat is in the works or when your dinner is hitting the bowl or when you think we're eating something delicious. It's kind of funny, but also a little gross.

Kodi, sometimes I don't know what comes over me, but I think about how one day you'll leave us. It makes me incredibly sad and I know I shouldn't dwell on some unknown future day. I should instead think about loving you now, and giving you a good and happy life. I know God created you and part of me hopes that there's a place in some sort of heaven for you so that maybe one day, if you should pass on and I should pass on, we'll see each other again. Sounds ridiculous, I know. I try not to think about it. One night recently I was very sad because I thought about this again and I thought about how I had yelled at you that day for pulling me. The nice thing is that you always forgive and forget when I'm mad. It's part of being a dog, I guess, life just moves on and you live in the present.

Anyway. Daddy and I are very proud of the dog you've become over the last year. You are an incredibly good dog. You rarely chew on anything that isn't yours and you sleep quietly by yourself when we're not home instead of tearing the house apart. You are still scared of the hair dryer and vacuum cleaner and anything that is large and makes loud noises. You don't tear apart all of your toys, and your favourite is still the Christmas toy we got you as a baby. You will eat anything we give you, or at least you'll try it once. Whenever I come home, you run to the door with a toy in your mouth, ready to play, and you greet me like you haven't seen me in years, even if it's only been a few hours. Above all, you always listen to us and I don't think you would talk back even if you could, because you love us too. Thank you for brightening up our lives. I hope in this next year, we are as good to you as you have been to us.

More relationship stuff

I went out with a good friend recently and we had a long conversation about relationships. We always talk about relationships but this time was different. She told me a lot more than she usually does and I appreciated the open and honest nature of our discussion. One of the things she told me was that she knows a lot of eligible, single guys with many great qualities... but that many of these guys didn't want to enter into a relationship because they were afraid of losing their freedom.

I found this incredible at first - do people really see marriage and commitment as the "old ball and chain", as the great limitation upon personal freedom? I guess so!

She talked about how her pastor had listed the top five benefits to being single, and the top five benefits to being in a relationship. All of the benefits to being single amounted to freedom. All of the benefits to being in a relationship amounted to a lack of loneliness. And that is where I realized that freedom and loneliness are not so far apart. Interesting. I've never thought of that. I've never felt like getting married meant a loss of freedom. Kind of the opposite actually, since I didn't have a ton of freedom while living at home anyway.

Anyway. I'm just rambling today. So here's another unrelated question for you. I'm not sure where I came up with this one, but work with me here.

Let's say you are in a relationship with A. Maybe one that is serious, maybe not that serious, it doesn't really matter. Not married, though, since that throws too much of a wrench in this problem. Let's say that sometime before you had this current relationship with A (it could be months, years even), you had feelings for B, but something just didn't work out. Let's say they were strong feelings, and you were disappointed when the potential fizzled. Let's say that B now has feelings for you and if you gave it a shot, the relationship with B could work out. It could be worse than, the same as, or better than your relationship with A... in other words you don't really know whether it will work out with B. But it could. Let's say you haven't thought about your feelings for B in a long time, but they might still be there.

Question: 1) would you want to know about B's feelings? 2) if you did know, would it affect your relationship with A?

Grandma (poh-poh)

Grandma, it's been many years since you passed away. Sixteen years, I think. I have so many memories of you and always wish we could have had more time together. God called you home in exactly the way you would have wanted, quickly and without pain, but in my opinion, it was still far too early. But I know it's okay, because now you get to spend eternity with Him.

I remember how you would come and stay with us from Seattle, taking the Greyhound by yourself even though you couldn't speak any English. You used to ask why we would buy things like French fries, since you could just make them at home instead. You made the best beef jerky - no store-bought kind can ever match up. You loved to watch Family Ties (Alex was your favourite) and I never understood how you could watch an English show or what you really thought was going on. Actually, once you surprised us by responding "I don't know" when we asked you something. I guess you must have picked up some English over the years. You taught me how to peel the roots off of bean sprouts and how to wash rice properly. You told me to marry a Chinese guy (so that his family would pay for the wedding) and although I always laughed, guess what, I ended up marrying one after all.

What I loved most about you though, Grandma, was your love and faithfulness for God. You never had the opportunity to get an education but somehow you still studied the Bible and memorized verses. You always encouraged us to do what was right and to work hard.

I think I've learned even more about you since you passed on. Now that I'm older, I'm able to grasp our family's history even better. I know that you were a hard worker all of your life, from being a street vendor to being a mother of many children. You didn't have much schooling, but your math was better than most educated people's math. I know that you made many sacrifices for your family. The family was poor, but you did not let that stop your children from being educated and working hard so that future generations would live a better life.

What would you think of how my life turned out if you were here today? Would you be proud of me? One day I'll get to ask you in person.

It could be the one...

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren’t enough
So I’ll be waiting for the real thing, I’ll know it by the feeling
The moment when we’re meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I’ll be holding my own breath, right up ’til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I’ll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There’s gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it all on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There’s somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There’s gotta be somebody for me out there --Nickelback "Gotta Be Somebody"

I hear this song on the radio all the time these days. I had to look up the lyrics since I am terrible at remembering lyrics. It's a very catchy song, one of those songs that you can sing along to without even really knowing it.

Lately I've been thinking about love and life and how to get all of my single friends matched up. Just kidding. Really just kidding. I only think about matching SOME of my single friends up. Um, anyway, where were we. I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I hadn't met the hubby. Would I be out there, trying to meet people? Where would I even go to meet people? If I met someone with "potential", would I make the first move?

I have often been the nosy spectator on the sidelines of my friends' almost-relationships and have thought, "Hmm, if only s/he made some sort of first move, I bet it would all work out." And then it baffles me as to why someone doesn't make any move at all. And then I say to the hubby, "Don't you think [whoever] and [whoever else] would make a great couple?" And then he shrugs. Or says "Absolutely not." Or "I already thought of that months ago." But then nothing happens.

So I am putting this out there: GRAB THE BRASS RING, PEOPLE. Take a chance, make the first move, and see whether the person you are interested in is also interested in you. (Caveat: if you or your friends are fairly certain that the other person is NOT interested - don't jump the gun.) Be a risk taker! There's gotta be somebody out there for you. Even Nickelback says so!

Topic for discussion: why DON'T people make the first move more often?