Sometimes I feel like I'm just not ready to accept that I am a grownup. Sometimes I even feel like I missed out on some portion of young adulthood... for example, I never really lived on my own, I just lived at home until I got married... I never was truly independent... and I even wish we'd travelled more and done more in our double-income-no-kids life. I find that this motherhood thing is strangely lonely. I want to hang out more with friends, but I always find some reason not to - I don't have a car, I don't feel like going out, I don't want them to have to tolerate my kid, the kid is fussy, the kid might scream, etc.
This afternoon, I took the baby and the dog for a walk to McDonalds, about a 40 minute walk (maybe less, I tend to walk slowly.) Everything was fine until we got to McDonalds. The dog wouldn't stay in her "down" position, so I saw her trying to be friendly with a cyclist who was just trying to get at her bike (the dog was tied to the bike rack.) Apparently the cyclist did not view my dog as friendly. (Really - she would never hurt anyone, she just thinks that all humans want to pet her and be licked.) I had to go and get her, at which point the baby started to fuss and scream. He was inconsolable until we were almost home. He wouldn't take the pacifier and there wasn't really anything I could do. I couldn't carry him and push the stroller home AND hold the dog's leash. It became overwhelming. At several points I stopped to try and comfort him, and then the dog would wander instead of sitting by my side as she is supposed to do when I stop walking*. So then I had to yell at the dog. I felt like a terrible parent/dog owner, first my kid is screaming and then my dog is misbehaving, and I can't fix either one, and I am getting angry at both. I prayed all the way home that I wouldn't lose my mind entirely.
When we got home, the baby was fine - just tired and in need of a nap - and the dog was also fine. And I realized that part of my frustration was that I'm not certain I'm cut out for being a mom, and the more the baby cried, the more I felt inadequate. When I went to pick him up out of his stroller, he gave me a teary smile. I don't know if God might have a lesson in this story. Maybe that I don't have to be a supermom for my kid to love me anyway. Maybe that we are all imperfect. Maybe that if my kid can love me and smile at me even though I let him cry for 20-30 minutes, how much more does my heavenly Father love me despite all my inadequacies. Sigh. It's so hard sometimes.
*My dog is really well-trained... but walking on a leash has always been her toughest "trick". Part of her training is that she only walks on our left hand side, right beside (not in front nor behind), and when we stop walking she is supposed to stop and sit right away.
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, February 25, 2008
Growing up
Lately I've been thinking about adulthood and how I don't really feel like an adult. I have friends who have purchased a place of their own, I have other friends who are moving out or who have already moved out to live on their own... and as for my situation - someone said to me the other day that I was so lucky to marry someone who had already paid off his house. (Not true! The bank still demands money from us!) So apparently at least one person in my life thinks that I fell into this delightful situation of home ownership by some combination of luck and good looks. (I added that part.)
I'm definitely lucky. Hubs bought this house without my input or initial financial contribution (I don't even think I was in town at the time.) He did the renovations, painted the whole house, carpeted and laid tile, and all I did was belittle the (former) shag carpeting and move my darn self in the day we got married. Oh, and then I complained about the lack of closet space. I'm so helpful.
This "luck", however, comes with feeling a little behind in life... aside from nosing around at some open houses, I've never actually had to look for a place to rent or buy. I've never had to apply for a mortgage. I've "rented" before (in the Hat) but I hardly call that living on my own. I've never even purchased a car. If we choose to rebuild one day, I might never get to actually hire an agent and go through the buying process. This isn't intended to be a whine - I am super grateful to God for everything I have. I sometimes just wish I had gone through the process of getting to where we are, rather than being on the outside watching. Sort of ridiculous to think this way, I know. I'm just musing.
Anyway.
Today we signed the dog up for puppy daycare. I am heading for a very busy couple of months at work, and it will help tremendously to have somewhere for her to go on the days that she can't come with me to work. Also it helps tremendously that I found a place that is significantly cheaper than the other spots at which I inquired. It's just pennies a day! Many many pennies! But far less pennies than the other place. Actually it is half the price compared to the place near my work, but then again this daycare won't take her for off-leash runs through the mountains. Oh well, she's too young for off-leash running in any event.
I just received some sad news about someone I was acquainted with. He died in an accident leaving behind a wife and kids. Life is so incredibly short. I can't even begin to imagine what the family is going through. Keep them in your prayers.
I'm definitely lucky. Hubs bought this house without my input or initial financial contribution (I don't even think I was in town at the time.) He did the renovations, painted the whole house, carpeted and laid tile, and all I did was belittle the (former) shag carpeting and move my darn self in the day we got married. Oh, and then I complained about the lack of closet space. I'm so helpful.
This "luck", however, comes with feeling a little behind in life... aside from nosing around at some open houses, I've never actually had to look for a place to rent or buy. I've never had to apply for a mortgage. I've "rented" before (in the Hat) but I hardly call that living on my own. I've never even purchased a car. If we choose to rebuild one day, I might never get to actually hire an agent and go through the buying process. This isn't intended to be a whine - I am super grateful to God for everything I have. I sometimes just wish I had gone through the process of getting to where we are, rather than being on the outside watching. Sort of ridiculous to think this way, I know. I'm just musing.
Anyway.
Today we signed the dog up for puppy daycare. I am heading for a very busy couple of months at work, and it will help tremendously to have somewhere for her to go on the days that she can't come with me to work. Also it helps tremendously that I found a place that is significantly cheaper than the other spots at which I inquired. It's just pennies a day! Many many pennies! But far less pennies than the other place. Actually it is half the price compared to the place near my work, but then again this daycare won't take her for off-leash runs through the mountains. Oh well, she's too young for off-leash running in any event.
I just received some sad news about someone I was acquainted with. He died in an accident leaving behind a wife and kids. Life is so incredibly short. I can't even begin to imagine what the family is going through. Keep them in your prayers.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Rolling my eyes
Am I the only one who thinks Valentine's is kind of a trumped up occasion... the hubby bought me some beautiful flowers (not roses) (and not delivered to my workplace) (and not on Valentine's Day itself) but other than that we didn't make much of the day. I hate sappiness and I really hate contrived sappiness. Perhaps I am just becoming a bitter, cynical person in my old age... it just seems like so many people out there, friends of mine included, equate romance with a big celebration of Valentine's Day.... I don't really understand why it is such a big deal.... well anyway. Enough ranting. To each his own, right.
Yesterday on the morning radio show, the hosts were talking about wedding invitations, a subject near and dear to my heart ever since hubby and I painstakingly and, I'll admit, somewhat stupidly created by hand our simple, yet extremely complicated, wedding invites two years ago. The topic of the hour was that someone had received an invitation that, at the bottom, said "No boxed gifts please." Although it'd be nice if this meant "Put all gifts in bags, please", clearly the real meaning is "We want money. Just money. Step away from that toaster, that coffee maker, that knicknack that will have no place to sit, that picture frame, and give us money." [I did say cynical, didn't I.]
I once attended a wedding where the couple put "Monetary gifts preferred" and despite my utter disgust, I gave them a cash gift (not a big one) (I was poor!) Frankly, in our culture, almost everyone gives money anyway so it's perceived strangely when someone dares to write such things on a wedding invite. But maybe the traditional rules of etiquette have fallen by the wayside, and hey, maybe it is time for things to change. I tend to think that while I'll bring a gift to the wedding, I'm not obligated to do so, so unless I ask by inquiring about a registry or what gift is preferred, please don't tell me what to bring. Maybe others out there have different opinions. Emily Post is, I'm sure, turning in her grave at this new wave of wediquette (that is, if she is indeed no longer alive.) I admit, I am amused by the wording of "No boxed gifts"... it certainly makes one stop and think for a moment. ("Does that mean I should take the toaster out of the box?")
More ranting... many of you know that we won a case recently.... Well, surprise! It's moving on up the levels of court. You know, since I have nothing better to do than to keep working on it. Sob!
Please pray for my big brother as he looks for a place to live for next month. Changes are always hard to deal with. And for us too as we adjust!
Yesterday on the morning radio show, the hosts were talking about wedding invitations, a subject near and dear to my heart ever since hubby and I painstakingly and, I'll admit, somewhat stupidly created by hand our simple, yet extremely complicated, wedding invites two years ago. The topic of the hour was that someone had received an invitation that, at the bottom, said "No boxed gifts please." Although it'd be nice if this meant "Put all gifts in bags, please", clearly the real meaning is "We want money. Just money. Step away from that toaster, that coffee maker, that knicknack that will have no place to sit, that picture frame, and give us money." [I did say cynical, didn't I.]
I once attended a wedding where the couple put "Monetary gifts preferred" and despite my utter disgust, I gave them a cash gift (not a big one) (I was poor!) Frankly, in our culture, almost everyone gives money anyway so it's perceived strangely when someone dares to write such things on a wedding invite. But maybe the traditional rules of etiquette have fallen by the wayside, and hey, maybe it is time for things to change. I tend to think that while I'll bring a gift to the wedding, I'm not obligated to do so, so unless I ask by inquiring about a registry or what gift is preferred, please don't tell me what to bring. Maybe others out there have different opinions. Emily Post is, I'm sure, turning in her grave at this new wave of wediquette (that is, if she is indeed no longer alive.) I admit, I am amused by the wording of "No boxed gifts"... it certainly makes one stop and think for a moment. ("Does that mean I should take the toaster out of the box?")
More ranting... many of you know that we won a case recently.... Well, surprise! It's moving on up the levels of court. You know, since I have nothing better to do than to keep working on it. Sob!
Please pray for my big brother as he looks for a place to live for next month. Changes are always hard to deal with. And for us too as we adjust!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Prayer changes things
Most of my days are spent in my fabulous little office, staring at a pile of papers or at my computer screen. But every once in a while I get to leave the office and meet real people - sometimes clients, sometimes friends or family of clients, you know. I like to think I can be a people person most of the time - I'm kind of mean, but I'm also kind of nice. It's a dichotomy.
Yesterday and today I met some really awesome people. They work (actually, they are full-time volunteers) at a particular missions organization (which I won't name until the case is over... although they will be at Missionsfest... ) I had to do some interviewing and afterward, I shared with them that I too attend church and that in a few days, the hubs and I are headed off to Chile with Samaritan's Purse. On both days everyone was so excited and happy for us, and then spontaneously they all wanted to pray for us. I must say that the prayers were incredibly encouraging. These are folks who have given up careers in order to enter into full-time ministry to the very poor people in a very poor country.... and here I am in my cushy life (or so it feels sometimes) and they wanted to pray for me.... someone they don't even know. They wanted to know about our trip and what we'll be doing, how long we'll be there, all of that. Turns out, their churches have also participated in Operation Christmas Child and like us, they've always wondered exactly how the process of distributing the shoeboxes goes. Pretty neat stuff.
It's always such a warming feeling to know that someone is praying for you. I was moved that people who don't have to care about me really do care, and that God binds us all together in his family. I can only hope to be as much of a blessing to others as these folks clearly are to everyone around them. May God richly bless their ministry.
Yesterday and today I met some really awesome people. They work (actually, they are full-time volunteers) at a particular missions organization (which I won't name until the case is over... although they will be at Missionsfest... ) I had to do some interviewing and afterward, I shared with them that I too attend church and that in a few days, the hubs and I are headed off to Chile with Samaritan's Purse. On both days everyone was so excited and happy for us, and then spontaneously they all wanted to pray for us. I must say that the prayers were incredibly encouraging. These are folks who have given up careers in order to enter into full-time ministry to the very poor people in a very poor country.... and here I am in my cushy life (or so it feels sometimes) and they wanted to pray for me.... someone they don't even know. They wanted to know about our trip and what we'll be doing, how long we'll be there, all of that. Turns out, their churches have also participated in Operation Christmas Child and like us, they've always wondered exactly how the process of distributing the shoeboxes goes. Pretty neat stuff.
It's always such a warming feeling to know that someone is praying for you. I was moved that people who don't have to care about me really do care, and that God binds us all together in his family. I can only hope to be as much of a blessing to others as these folks clearly are to everyone around them. May God richly bless their ministry.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Thoughts
Recently we had a guest speaker at church and I meant to post about her sermon that day, but I promptly forgot. I have at least 15 thoughts in my head at all times, so that one fell by the wayside, I guess. I still remember some of her sermon, which was on the power of God. The part that stuck out to me was on how we should rely on the Provider and not on the provisions.
It's so easy, almost natural, to forget about God after he has answered our prayers and provided us with what we wanted. It's definitely easy to overlook God when he keeps us safe, gives us food, shelter, etc. Her words reminded me to give thanks to God for being the provider, not just to dwell in the good things he's given me.
Life has a tendency to slip through my fingers without me really noticing. I hope in the days leading up to Chile, I'll be able to take time to reflect on God's infinite love and grace.
It's so easy, almost natural, to forget about God after he has answered our prayers and provided us with what we wanted. It's definitely easy to overlook God when he keeps us safe, gives us food, shelter, etc. Her words reminded me to give thanks to God for being the provider, not just to dwell in the good things he's given me.
Life has a tendency to slip through my fingers without me really noticing. I hope in the days leading up to Chile, I'll be able to take time to reflect on God's infinite love and grace.
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